Cycle of Insecurity

If we're honest, we all struggle with insecurities of one kind or another.  I know I do.

I just started reading a book called "Messy Beautiful Friendship" by Christine Hoover and in the 10 chapters I've read so far, I've learned SO much about the impact insecurity has on friendships, that I felt I wanted to share it with anyone who may stumble across this blog.  Friendship has never come easily for me, and God has been tugging on my heart to open up, be vulnerable, and to allow the things I've learned and walked through to be stepping stones for others to catapult off of; to bring beauty from the ashes of the experiences I've gone through.

So, back to insecurity.  

Think about an insecurity you may have that is evident in how you think of, or relate to, others.  Maybe it's that you think others think you're too quiet, or maybe on the opposite end and too talkative.  Maybe you question if others want to include you or not.  Maybe you're afraid that if you allow someone to get too close that you will be rejected, or maybe past hurts have made you fearful of experiencing that pain again.  Or maybe, they are external insecurities, where you compare yourself to someone else, and think that they have it all together, so you're insecure about where you are at in your life.  There are a million different things that your insecurity could be.  Even as I write these, and see some of my own insecurities in this list, they look so small and trivial, and I wonder why I feel the way I do, but the reality is that these insecurities are VERY real, and they hinder the way we interact with others.

As I've been reading, I've been seeing how insecurity is the thread that contributes to the demise of friendships.  

Take that insecurity you've identified.  Think about how it causes you to interact with others.  It might cause you to pull away, or it might cause you to intensify in your reaction to something.  That's just the start of the cycle.

To use a condensed version of the example of this found in chapter 6 of Christine's book, I'm going to explain how this cycle causes distance, damage, and hurt in the relationships we care deeply about.  

In chapter 6, Christine, and her friend, describe what they went through that led to their friendship dissolving, but they also describe how they both came to a place of recognizing what was happening, and allowed God and His grace to restore their friendship.

Basically, both Christine (C) and her friend (A) had different insecurities, that shaped how they saw themselves, and how they saw each other.  C pulled away as a result of her insecurity, and A was left in confusion, so she responded by pursuing the friendship to gain understanding of what was going on.  That caused C to pull away further, which created more hurt for A, which began to create new insecurities for her and intensify insecurities that may have already existed.  This then caused C to become wounded and hurt by the response of A.

You can see how the initial insecurity led to a cycle where more insecurities began to take root, creating more division, and more hurt.  As Christine says:

"We both saw our differences so clearly rather than building our friendship on our commonalities.  If we were to sift our relationship in order to account for the threatening thoughts that poured water on the fire of our friendship, they would be comparison, envy, discontentment, worry, and insecurity.  The way I thought about her came out in my actions towards her, and none of it was good.

Ashes of our own making.

Even though it's difficult and embarrassing for both of us, it's important to tell our story, because ours is a snippet of what happens all too often among Christian women.  We allow broken friendships to drift us apart rather than doing the work of restorative sanctification.  Thoughts are allowed to run wild rather than taken captive.  Differences are seen as insurmountable obstacles.  Wounds are nursed rather than forgiven.  And in all of it, we don't want to acknowledge how we're playing a part in hurting our friendships.  We desire the ideal, not the real.  We don't like complicated; we like easy. We like it when people like us, are like us, and don't rub up against us like sandpaper, smoothing our rough edges." (Page 63)

 God created us for relationship.  When we are part of a community, we are going to come face to face with our differences, and our insecurities.  When our insecurities are not addressed, they become thoughts that run rampant.  We find ourselves questioning everything.  If left unchecked, those insecurities can, and will, cause us to become uncomfortable even talking to, or being around, the very people we've called our friends.  They will end a friendship.

BUT, how amazing is it to think of how God's grace and mercy is greater than insecurity and broken relationships?!  As Christine describes in her book, when we relate to others according to the truth of God's word, we begin to see differently.  We no longer see the differences, but we instead see the commonalities.  We begin to see how we can bless, serve, and learn from one another.  We no longer see the friendship for what we can get, but rather for what we can give.

When I read about Christine and her friend, I was filled with hope.  Hope because I could tangibly see the way God restored their friendship as a result of choosing to see differently.  Hope because I know the same God who did that for them is alive and desires for all His daughters (and sons), to walk in unity.  Hope, because when God puts a community in front of us, if we are willing to unravel the cycle of insecurity and live in openness and vulnerability, there is freedom.

In our fallen world, we will always struggle with insecurities that rise up, but I'm learning that we have a choice in how we view them.  They can either tear us apart, or draw us together.  My heart is that we would choose to allow them to draw us together, so that as sisters and as friends, we can freely live out the purpose God planned out when He crossed our paths with the friends in our lives.  So that we can live, love, laugh, and encourage one another in the Lord as we live out the lives God set before each one of us.