Prioritizing What's Important

I've been trying to wrap my head around the events of the last two weeks.  As with all of you, literally out of nowhere life as I knew it changed.  Even three months ago, I could not have imagined that the world would turn into the kind of scene that movies are made of.  A virus sweeping the world, taking everyone off guard, closing down entire cities, and forcing people to stay home.

Yet, in the midst of this, I can't help but think about what life will look like when this self-isolation and social-distancing is over.

There are only two choices to make in times like these:  1: Live paralyzed by fear.  2. Live intentionally with the purpose to grow in the midst of adversity.

I urge us to choose to live intentionally.

When the self-isolation and social-distancing is over, I want to be someone who is stronger because of it.  I want my relationship with God to be stronger because of it.  I want my relationships with others to be stronger because of it.  In a moment that is being used to cause distance between people and questions of God, can we turn it around instead to dive deeper into these relationships?

Can we use the moments of quiet that we normally would fill by going out and staying busy to instead just sit and seek the face of God?  Will we be willing and open to just embrace the stillness to really, truly come before the throne of God and just spend time with Him?

And secondly, will we choose to be intentional to reach out to the people in our lives and build deeper, more meaningful relationships with them?  Though physically distant, could it be possible that this season can be used to lay aside the surface aspects of life so that we can grow in deeper unity with those God has placed around us?

I find it so fascinating that over the last few days, people I haven't seen or talked to in years have reached out to say "Stay safe!"  We are all in this together.  There is no discrimination - we are ALL in this together.

Could it be that in this moment, the most important things are prioritized once again?  Love the Lord your God and love your neighbour as yourself (Matt 22:37-39).  Let this be the desire of our hearts and our motivation to thrive in this historic moment.

Joy In the Shattering

Over the last few months I've been contemplating the possibility of starting my blog up again.  It's been some time since I've written, and even longer since I've been consistent.  I started this blog probably around 10 years ago or so, and over the last few months I have had a few instances where it has come up in conversation.  I suppose writing is therapeutic for me, and it just might be time to share my thoughts once again.

This past year has been quite a year, and part of me is more than ready to see this decade end.  Seeing 2020 feels surreal!  Another decade is ending, and a new one is about to begin - one full of so many possibilities!

Yet, as much as I'm ready for 2019 to end, my heart hurts thinking about it.  If I could sum up this year with one word I would choose "shattered."  I've been thinking about this a lot, and it somehow holds both sorrow and joy.

In life it is so true that life can change in an instant.  2019 started off in a relaxed, peace filled manner.  However, by mid January little did I know that so much of what I knew in life was going to take one hit...then another...then another...then another... Truthfully, one form of pain rolled into the next, and by September, tragedy shattered me beyond recognition.

When Jesus took my Grandpa home unexpectedly, every part of me went numb.  Throughout these past few months, I have been forced to learn what it means to have grace for myself and that grief is a process that doesn't have specific time frames.  This process has taught me so much about myself, about others, and about the reality that God really truly holds us together.

I don't want this to be a heavy post, but I want it to be real.  I chose to start writing again with this topic because I want to honour my Grandpa, and the incredible life he lived.

Throughout the last few months I've done a lot of thinking, observing, and analyzing.  I've always had questions about why I am the way I am, and it was at the funeral where I really began to understand.

It seems as though everyone we talked to told us how much Grandpa loved.  How he always remembered people, always made people feel welcome, and how highly they thought of him.  People came to the funeral who he hadn't seen in years, yet they valued the relationship they had with him.  Honestly, it broke me because I know Grandpa didn't even realize that some of the people who came thought that highly of him.

Why as a society do we wait until a funeral to express appreciation for someone's life?  Why is it so difficult to let the people we care about know that we do?  I think we live in a society that says busy is best, and our culture is so good at saying it's okay to put that first instead of people.

I'm guilty of using the 'busy' card. Work, errands, life.  "Things."  Sometimes they get in the way.  But, should they?

In these last few months, I've become increasingly thankful for the godly heritage I have and for the deep love that my Grandpa showed.  I'm so honoured to have had an incredible example to look up to and to shape my worldview of what it looks like to love deeply.  I am so thankful that my Grandpa loved Jesus, and that is why he could love as he did.  There is always room for growth, and I pray I can take what Grandpa lived, and express the love of Christ through my life.

I honour you, Grandpa.

So, this year has shattered me in sorrow to the point beyond recognition.  I am not who I was going into this year.  However, somehow God is reminding me that this shattering can contain joy.  Something that has been shattered will never look the same again.  If it is rebuilt, it takes on a new form and a new design.  There can be joy in the shattering, knowing that if I allow Him to, God will rebuild me into someone new.  Someone with new perspective.  God is faithful.  We don't always see it, and in the pain I haven't seen it in the dark moments.  Yet, He is still there.  Shaping, molding, growing me - us - into exactly who He designed me to be.  That's the joy in the shattering.  That He is making me more like Him.

The Pursuit

Within the last two weeks my church has introduced a new song in our worship set.  Every time I hear it, all I can think of is the word 'pursue.'  

There is a part in the song that says "There's no shadow you won't light up, mountain you won't climb up.  Coming after me.  There's no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down.  Coming after me."

Just think about that for a minute.  Maybe it's the season of life I find myself in with friends around me having men around them pursuing them - but, that's what comes to mind.  In the natural, when a man is interested in a woman, he will pursue.  He will lay aside things in his life that aren't as important as getting to know that woman, so that she will become his.  He will do whatever it takes to pursue her, so that she knows how much he wants to know her - how much he values her - and ultimately, how much he loves her.  

Now, picture that with God.  There is nothing God will not do to show us how much He loves us.  He will pursue - even greater than any man on earth could pursue.  There's no lie, no mistake, no fear, no failure that could EVER stop Him from recklessly pursuing us.  There's no life choice that we could make that would stop Him from wanting us.  There's no shame that will build a wall so great that He can't come in and tear it down.  

All He wants is for us to recognize His pursuit and to allow Him to sweep us off our feet.  

There's absolutely nothing that would stop Him from wanting us.  His love IS beyond words.  It is more than we could ever imagine.  Even the examples we see in life with a man pursuing a woman pale in comparison to the pursuit God has for us.

He will leave everything behind because of YOU.  There's nothing you or I could ever do to deserve His love.  However, He still chose to give it all - He gave His very life.  For me.  For you.  His pursuit.  All because He so desires relationship with us.  How amazing is that love?!  It's mind blowing.

Take some time to just listen to this song.  Sit back, close your eyes, and just allow God to meet you wherever you are at - in your joy and your sorrow - and just allow His love to sweep you off your feet.  Embrace His pursuit.

Who Are You Listening To?

For a number of months, I've been thinking a lot about the importance of what we listen to, who we listen to, and how that affects how we live and the way we interact with others.

I've found myself in a season where I feel, in a way, that I've been looking at life from an outsiders perspective.  Through this season, I've come to realize some things regarding the power of words, and I've developed a passion to see a culture shift to see words build up instead of tear down.

Women are known for the way they interact through words.  Sadly, I've seen a lot of those words become gossip, including unintentional gossip.  I've wrestled with the question of how do I, or we, relate to others without gossiping.  It's not easy, nor is it a decision made with 100% immediate results.  It's a life choice that comes down to who, and what, we are listening to.

I've been in situations where I've had friends, who were mutual friends with other friends of mine, and in the course of a conversation, the name of another friend gets brought up.  I've had conversations come out of the blue to tell me a concern that one friend is having, but it relates to another friend.  I've struggled in the past with knowing how to relate in these types of situations because I want to show I care about the friend I'm talking to, but I also want to honour the other friend not in the conversation.  This has happened numerous times in my life, and guaranteed I'll face conversations like this again.  However, when God started opening my eyes to the culture I was creating in my life by participating in conversations like these, my heart broke.  Though my heart was to honour both friends, I in fact was dishonouring the friends who weren't present, by the fact that I was engaging in conversations that I had no right being part of.  It took a lot of determination and strength to recognize when conversations were about to take a swing into gossip territory and guide them into honourable conversations where I wasn't involved where I shouldn't be.

Sadly, I've been on both sides of the 'gossip train.'  I've contributed to it, and I've been hurt by it.  It's been in the hurt where I've come to see the error of the times I've contributed to the culture of gossip around me.  And it's also due to the hurt that I've made a resolve to be careful who I am listening to.

It's easy to listen to what others say about someone, and sadly what they say has influence to taint what we believe about someone.  Once I had a friend tell me how someone was telling them all these things about me and she said "I started siding with her and I started believing those things about you. But now, spending time with you, I see that you aren't like that at all."  See, hurt taints our view of others.  If someone has been hurt, the words they speak can easily come out tainted.  When someone else is exposed to those words, if their heart isn't guarded, what they pick up is the tainted view expressed.  When someone begins to speak about another person, take a moment to step out of the conversation.  What is their motive for bringing up the situation?  Is it out of love and compassion, or hurt?  Is it to honour or dishonour?  Is being part of that conversation something that you need to be part of?  More often than not, I've found that I don't need to be part of the conversation, so I've begun to guide the person back into relationship with who they are talking about.  This came out of an experience I encountered where offence was taken based off of what someone had said - something that was a perceived feeling and wasn't mutual.  Because of what someone had perceived to be real, they involved someone else, and bypassed the individual whom the perception was about.  I'll just say that it became a messy situation, that took months, if not years, to sort out.

So, who are you listening to?  What conversations are you having with the people in your life?  Are they conversations that are God honouring and that honour others who God has placed around you?  If, after honestly examining your heart, the answer is no, I'd suggest stepping back for a period of time, just you and the Lord, to bring clarity and an action plan to stop the enemy's divisive tactics in its tracks.

See, the Bible talks about how the tongue has the power of life and death (Prov 18:21).  It also talks about how the tongue is like the rudder on a boat (James 3).  A rudder steers a ship, and likewise the tongue steers our life.  James 3:10 says "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.  My brothers and sisters, this should not be."

Earlier in the year I was reading through many of Paul's letters in the New Testament.  It seemed like every chapter I read, and every page I turned, everything pointed to God's heart for unity, peace, and to do away with division.  Proverbs 16:28 says "a gossip separates close friends."  Sadly, I've seen how true this is.  The enemy would love to see the body of Christ divided as a result of gossip - because once gossip is sown, it is difficult to stop.  (Think Veggie Tales and Larry Boy and the Rumor Weed!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYZDvY0Y4a4)

Can we make a choice to honour as God honours?  To love as God loves?  To view every conversation as an opportunity to encourage and build up?  I took a moment to look up Larry Boy and the Rumor Weed, and the end of the video is so powerful (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvmsYEdEqR0).  Will we make a choice to believe the best of people, and if we happen to hear something about them that we haven't heard from them directly, will we go to them and ask them about it?  Can we create a culture of truth instead of a culture of gossip?  See, we have the power of life and death in the words we speak.  Allow the words you sow to reap life.  Allow your life to be one that builds others up.  Someone's gotta stop this 'gossip train' in it's tracks - so let's allow God in us to spur us towards actively doing something to stop it.

NEVER Worth It, Yet ALWAYS Worth It

I had a thought come to me today that hit me hard and was too 'good' to not share.  Relationships are almost never worth it.  But, somehow they are always worth it.

I'm thankful for the voice God has given me on what I'm about to share, because I know that God takes ashes and makes them beautiful.  I know that someday my story of what God has brought me through will be a testimony that will see others walk through their own versions of what I've experienced and get to a place of victory and healing.

So, relationships are almost never worth it.  But, somehow they are always worth it.

What a contradiction.

Relationships are never worth the pain they bring.  They are never worth the agony that sometimes is felt.  They are never worth the tears that are shed when betrayal hits hard.  They aren't worth it when someone you value says they're done and don't want you in their life anymore.  They aren't worth the effort it takes to see healing that never seems to come.

As I've never been in a dating type relationship, or never been married, I only have friendship experiences.  But, I'm pretty certain those feelings can be felt in a dating relationship when one party hurts the other party, or in a marriage when a husband or wife acts in a manner that brings grief or sorrow to the other spouse.  And, believe me, if you haven't felt these things, you aren't human.  Every single person to ever live has walked through moments like those I mentioned.  And sadly, many even face things much worse in relationships that truly make them "not worth it."

So, if I just said relationships aren't worth it, how can I then say they ARE worth it?

Are they worth the pain they bring?  Are they worth the agony and tears that are shed?  Are they worth walking in the face of potential betrayal?  Are they worth it when in an instant it can end when someone says they could care less about you?  Are they worth the effort it takes to work through mistakes and failures and misunderstandings?  Are they worth the effort of working through things that you don't want to work through, but you know if you do healing will come?  Are they worth it at all?

Yes.

Yes, they are worth all that.  They are worth the risk.  Even if at the end of the day one party says goodbye, that relationship was STILL worth it.

It is worth it because it presents you with an opportunity to love deeply.  It is worth it because God created us with a desire...with a craving...to be in relationship, and by being in relationship we walk in the purpose God intended for our lives.  It is worth it because without it we would never experience the joy God intends to bring into our lives through that person.  It is worth it because even when pain comes, we grow and mature.  It is worth it because every single soul is WORTH IT.

When God created Adam, He didn't intend for Adam to walk in a world of sin.  Sin is what brings all the 'not worth its' above.  Sin is what causes the hurt, betrayal, mistakes, and division.  All those things we feel in those moments are not worth what we feel because if you look at relationships as an investment, all those things take withdrawals from the relationship.  The sheer amount of all those things we face during the course of a relationship can outweigh the joys.  Does that mean we regret the relationship or refuse to enter into relationship?!  NO WAY!

As I sat back today, thinking about all these things, looking at situations around me that 'withdraw' from my desire to enter into relationships, all I hear is God saying "Yes, it's ALWAYS worth it."  Though the things of this world take away from the life-bringing relationships God intends us to have, the amazing thing is that God is a relationship-building God.  When we yield our lives to Him, He brings unity.  He brings healing to those broken situations.  He brings joy in the morning.  He brings peace.  He brings hope.  He brings life.  He brings testimonies that could only be birthed in a place of pain.  He makes all the 'not worth its" worth it.  Because He died for each and every one of us.  So, if we are striving to live in the love that He demonstrated, then we too will see that every life is worth loving as Jesus loves.  That's the cry of my heart.  That despite the 'not worth its' that I've encountered, that I would still choose to say "It's worth it because God is doing something bigger than I can see.  It's worth it because without encountering the friends, future husband, and others that I'll be in relationship with, my life would be different because they bring something into the story of my life that is unique to them...it's something amazing and valuable.  It's worth it because I have the honour of loving deeply, and despite the earthly pain that risk takes, in heaven, that'll be worth it when we relate side by side in the unhindered presence of Jesus...where all sin and schemes of the enemy are destroyed and there is only unity in Christ.  That's worth it."

Cycle of Insecurity

If we're honest, we all struggle with insecurities of one kind or another.  I know I do.

I just started reading a book called "Messy Beautiful Friendship" by Christine Hoover and in the 10 chapters I've read so far, I've learned SO much about the impact insecurity has on friendships, that I felt I wanted to share it with anyone who may stumble across this blog.  Friendship has never come easily for me, and God has been tugging on my heart to open up, be vulnerable, and to allow the things I've learned and walked through to be stepping stones for others to catapult off of; to bring beauty from the ashes of the experiences I've gone through.

So, back to insecurity.  

Think about an insecurity you may have that is evident in how you think of, or relate to, others.  Maybe it's that you think others think you're too quiet, or maybe on the opposite end and too talkative.  Maybe you question if others want to include you or not.  Maybe you're afraid that if you allow someone to get too close that you will be rejected, or maybe past hurts have made you fearful of experiencing that pain again.  Or maybe, they are external insecurities, where you compare yourself to someone else, and think that they have it all together, so you're insecure about where you are at in your life.  There are a million different things that your insecurity could be.  Even as I write these, and see some of my own insecurities in this list, they look so small and trivial, and I wonder why I feel the way I do, but the reality is that these insecurities are VERY real, and they hinder the way we interact with others.

As I've been reading, I've been seeing how insecurity is the thread that contributes to the demise of friendships.  

Take that insecurity you've identified.  Think about how it causes you to interact with others.  It might cause you to pull away, or it might cause you to intensify in your reaction to something.  That's just the start of the cycle.

To use a condensed version of the example of this found in chapter 6 of Christine's book, I'm going to explain how this cycle causes distance, damage, and hurt in the relationships we care deeply about.  

In chapter 6, Christine, and her friend, describe what they went through that led to their friendship dissolving, but they also describe how they both came to a place of recognizing what was happening, and allowed God and His grace to restore their friendship.

Basically, both Christine (C) and her friend (A) had different insecurities, that shaped how they saw themselves, and how they saw each other.  C pulled away as a result of her insecurity, and A was left in confusion, so she responded by pursuing the friendship to gain understanding of what was going on.  That caused C to pull away further, which created more hurt for A, which began to create new insecurities for her and intensify insecurities that may have already existed.  This then caused C to become wounded and hurt by the response of A.

You can see how the initial insecurity led to a cycle where more insecurities began to take root, creating more division, and more hurt.  As Christine says:

"We both saw our differences so clearly rather than building our friendship on our commonalities.  If we were to sift our relationship in order to account for the threatening thoughts that poured water on the fire of our friendship, they would be comparison, envy, discontentment, worry, and insecurity.  The way I thought about her came out in my actions towards her, and none of it was good.

Ashes of our own making.

Even though it's difficult and embarrassing for both of us, it's important to tell our story, because ours is a snippet of what happens all too often among Christian women.  We allow broken friendships to drift us apart rather than doing the work of restorative sanctification.  Thoughts are allowed to run wild rather than taken captive.  Differences are seen as insurmountable obstacles.  Wounds are nursed rather than forgiven.  And in all of it, we don't want to acknowledge how we're playing a part in hurting our friendships.  We desire the ideal, not the real.  We don't like complicated; we like easy. We like it when people like us, are like us, and don't rub up against us like sandpaper, smoothing our rough edges." (Page 63)

 God created us for relationship.  When we are part of a community, we are going to come face to face with our differences, and our insecurities.  When our insecurities are not addressed, they become thoughts that run rampant.  We find ourselves questioning everything.  If left unchecked, those insecurities can, and will, cause us to become uncomfortable even talking to, or being around, the very people we've called our friends.  They will end a friendship.

BUT, how amazing is it to think of how God's grace and mercy is greater than insecurity and broken relationships?!  As Christine describes in her book, when we relate to others according to the truth of God's word, we begin to see differently.  We no longer see the differences, but we instead see the commonalities.  We begin to see how we can bless, serve, and learn from one another.  We no longer see the friendship for what we can get, but rather for what we can give.

When I read about Christine and her friend, I was filled with hope.  Hope because I could tangibly see the way God restored their friendship as a result of choosing to see differently.  Hope because I know the same God who did that for them is alive and desires for all His daughters (and sons), to walk in unity.  Hope, because when God puts a community in front of us, if we are willing to unravel the cycle of insecurity and live in openness and vulnerability, there is freedom.

In our fallen world, we will always struggle with insecurities that rise up, but I'm learning that we have a choice in how we view them.  They can either tear us apart, or draw us together.  My heart is that we would choose to allow them to draw us together, so that as sisters and as friends, we can freely live out the purpose God planned out when He crossed our paths with the friends in our lives.  So that we can live, love, laugh, and encourage one another in the Lord as we live out the lives God set before each one of us.

Break the Cycle - In Memory of a Friend

Warning:  This post will not be an easy post to read, but I believe it must be written, read, and shared.

About a year and a half ago now, one of my sister's closest childhood friends committed suicide.

Even writing those words...word's I've tried not to think or speak...bring tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart.

A young, twenty-something girl gone in an instant.  Her entire life ahead of her.  Gone.  Because of hopelessness.

So many times since that day I wondered if there was anything I could've done to change the outcome of her life.  Obviously I know everyone has their own choices to make.  I don't have the ability to 'play God,' and nobody is responsible for another's actions.  BUT, could I have lived my life differently in the way I interacted with her?  Could I have somehow spoken something, done something, to plant a seed of God's hope and truth within her?  Something that in her desperate hour she would've remembered and turned to God instead of ending her life?

When someone's been in your life, and spent hours upon hours at your house, it's hard not to ask those questions.

Unfortunately, for my sister's friend, there isn't a second chance.  There isn't a way for me to intentionally speak life into her heart.  BUT, for many, many others, I still have that opportunity.

One thing I've been recognizing on a greater scale is our generation's tendency to take people for granted.  I had a conversation a couple weeks ago regarding the talent of a mutual friend...how we didn't realize how talented this other friend was until we stepped back and listened to someone else perform.

That short 2 minute conversation totally changed my perspective on the people in my life.

How often do I take the people in my life for granted?  How often do I expect them to just be there when I need them?  How many times do I notice the familiar things about them and deliberately call them out...speak life into their talents, abilities, and dreams?  How often do I tell them how valued they are to me?

More often, I find myself going day in and day out just 'expecting'.  Having an expectation because I know them so well.  How often do things go unsaid because I expect to talk to them later.  I expect to see them again.

How often do I spend my time focused on my life and the busyness of trying to accomplish everything this society 'expects' me to do?  How often do I focus on my issues, problems, hurts, and fears instead of taking time to recognize the world does not revolve around me?

How often do I stop in the midst of everything around me just to love?  Just to care?  Just to speak life, hope, and the truth of God into the hearts of those around me?

Truthfully, not enough.

See, sometimes I think about the "what ifs."  What if I never had a chance to talk to that family member or friend again?  What if something happened to them?  Would I have taken the time out of my day to show how valuable they are to me?  What if something happened and I got sick and could no longer live my life like I always have?  Or, what if something happened and I died tomorrow?  Would those I love wish they would've taken the time to do the same to me, and show me they value me?

We aren't promised tomorrow.  We aren't even promised the next second or the next breath.  ALL we have is now.

So, why are we holding out?  Why are we letting the things of this life hinder us from truly valuing, loving, and caring for those in our lives?  Why do we get so caught up in the 'expectations'?  Of expecting that we'll have another opportunity.

I didn't have another opportunity with my sister's friend.  I let life and years get in the way.  I'm guilty of everything I just wrote.

But, thanks to God's grace, we can start now.  Now, with this only moment we have for sure.  We can begin to change the way our generation views the people in their lives.  We can begin to be intentional about living a lifestyle where we choose to show the people in our lives that they matter, instead of expecting them to somehow know it.  We can be the ones who begin to call out the gold and beauty in the lives around us.  We can be the ones to shine the love of Jesus everywhere we go.

In memory of my sister's friend, let's choose to break the mould of this generation and stop taking the people in our life for granted.  Because they may not be there tomorrow.