Who Are You Listening To?

For a number of months, I've been thinking a lot about the importance of what we listen to, who we listen to, and how that affects how we live and the way we interact with others.

I've found myself in a season where I feel, in a way, that I've been looking at life from an outsiders perspective.  Through this season, I've come to realize some things regarding the power of words, and I've developed a passion to see a culture shift to see words build up instead of tear down.

Women are known for the way they interact through words.  Sadly, I've seen a lot of those words become gossip, including unintentional gossip.  I've wrestled with the question of how do I, or we, relate to others without gossiping.  It's not easy, nor is it a decision made with 100% immediate results.  It's a life choice that comes down to who, and what, we are listening to.

I've been in situations where I've had friends, who were mutual friends with other friends of mine, and in the course of a conversation, the name of another friend gets brought up.  I've had conversations come out of the blue to tell me a concern that one friend is having, but it relates to another friend.  I've struggled in the past with knowing how to relate in these types of situations because I want to show I care about the friend I'm talking to, but I also want to honour the other friend not in the conversation.  This has happened numerous times in my life, and guaranteed I'll face conversations like this again.  However, when God started opening my eyes to the culture I was creating in my life by participating in conversations like these, my heart broke.  Though my heart was to honour both friends, I in fact was dishonouring the friends who weren't present, by the fact that I was engaging in conversations that I had no right being part of.  It took a lot of determination and strength to recognize when conversations were about to take a swing into gossip territory and guide them into honourable conversations where I wasn't involved where I shouldn't be.

Sadly, I've been on both sides of the 'gossip train.'  I've contributed to it, and I've been hurt by it.  It's been in the hurt where I've come to see the error of the times I've contributed to the culture of gossip around me.  And it's also due to the hurt that I've made a resolve to be careful who I am listening to.

It's easy to listen to what others say about someone, and sadly what they say has influence to taint what we believe about someone.  Once I had a friend tell me how someone was telling them all these things about me and she said "I started siding with her and I started believing those things about you. But now, spending time with you, I see that you aren't like that at all."  See, hurt taints our view of others.  If someone has been hurt, the words they speak can easily come out tainted.  When someone else is exposed to those words, if their heart isn't guarded, what they pick up is the tainted view expressed.  When someone begins to speak about another person, take a moment to step out of the conversation.  What is their motive for bringing up the situation?  Is it out of love and compassion, or hurt?  Is it to honour or dishonour?  Is being part of that conversation something that you need to be part of?  More often than not, I've found that I don't need to be part of the conversation, so I've begun to guide the person back into relationship with who they are talking about.  This came out of an experience I encountered where offence was taken based off of what someone had said - something that was a perceived feeling and wasn't mutual.  Because of what someone had perceived to be real, they involved someone else, and bypassed the individual whom the perception was about.  I'll just say that it became a messy situation, that took months, if not years, to sort out.

So, who are you listening to?  What conversations are you having with the people in your life?  Are they conversations that are God honouring and that honour others who God has placed around you?  If, after honestly examining your heart, the answer is no, I'd suggest stepping back for a period of time, just you and the Lord, to bring clarity and an action plan to stop the enemy's divisive tactics in its tracks.

See, the Bible talks about how the tongue has the power of life and death (Prov 18:21).  It also talks about how the tongue is like the rudder on a boat (James 3).  A rudder steers a ship, and likewise the tongue steers our life.  James 3:10 says "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.  My brothers and sisters, this should not be."

Earlier in the year I was reading through many of Paul's letters in the New Testament.  It seemed like every chapter I read, and every page I turned, everything pointed to God's heart for unity, peace, and to do away with division.  Proverbs 16:28 says "a gossip separates close friends."  Sadly, I've seen how true this is.  The enemy would love to see the body of Christ divided as a result of gossip - because once gossip is sown, it is difficult to stop.  (Think Veggie Tales and Larry Boy and the Rumor Weed!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYZDvY0Y4a4)

Can we make a choice to honour as God honours?  To love as God loves?  To view every conversation as an opportunity to encourage and build up?  I took a moment to look up Larry Boy and the Rumor Weed, and the end of the video is so powerful (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvmsYEdEqR0).  Will we make a choice to believe the best of people, and if we happen to hear something about them that we haven't heard from them directly, will we go to them and ask them about it?  Can we create a culture of truth instead of a culture of gossip?  See, we have the power of life and death in the words we speak.  Allow the words you sow to reap life.  Allow your life to be one that builds others up.  Someone's gotta stop this 'gossip train' in it's tracks - so let's allow God in us to spur us towards actively doing something to stop it.

NEVER Worth It, Yet ALWAYS Worth It

I had a thought come to me today that hit me hard and was too 'good' to not share.  Relationships are almost never worth it.  But, somehow they are always worth it.

I'm thankful for the voice God has given me on what I'm about to share, because I know that God takes ashes and makes them beautiful.  I know that someday my story of what God has brought me through will be a testimony that will see others walk through their own versions of what I've experienced and get to a place of victory and healing.

So, relationships are almost never worth it.  But, somehow they are always worth it.

What a contradiction.

Relationships are never worth the pain they bring.  They are never worth the agony that sometimes is felt.  They are never worth the tears that are shed when betrayal hits hard.  They aren't worth it when someone you value says they're done and don't want you in their life anymore.  They aren't worth the effort it takes to see healing that never seems to come.

As I've never been in a dating type relationship, or never been married, I only have friendship experiences.  But, I'm pretty certain those feelings can be felt in a dating relationship when one party hurts the other party, or in a marriage when a husband or wife acts in a manner that brings grief or sorrow to the other spouse.  And, believe me, if you haven't felt these things, you aren't human.  Every single person to ever live has walked through moments like those I mentioned.  And sadly, many even face things much worse in relationships that truly make them "not worth it."

So, if I just said relationships aren't worth it, how can I then say they ARE worth it?

Are they worth the pain they bring?  Are they worth the agony and tears that are shed?  Are they worth walking in the face of potential betrayal?  Are they worth it when in an instant it can end when someone says they could care less about you?  Are they worth the effort it takes to work through mistakes and failures and misunderstandings?  Are they worth the effort of working through things that you don't want to work through, but you know if you do healing will come?  Are they worth it at all?

Yes.

Yes, they are worth all that.  They are worth the risk.  Even if at the end of the day one party says goodbye, that relationship was STILL worth it.

It is worth it because it presents you with an opportunity to love deeply.  It is worth it because God created us with a desire...with a craving...to be in relationship, and by being in relationship we walk in the purpose God intended for our lives.  It is worth it because without it we would never experience the joy God intends to bring into our lives through that person.  It is worth it because even when pain comes, we grow and mature.  It is worth it because every single soul is WORTH IT.

When God created Adam, He didn't intend for Adam to walk in a world of sin.  Sin is what brings all the 'not worth its' above.  Sin is what causes the hurt, betrayal, mistakes, and division.  All those things we feel in those moments are not worth what we feel because if you look at relationships as an investment, all those things take withdrawals from the relationship.  The sheer amount of all those things we face during the course of a relationship can outweigh the joys.  Does that mean we regret the relationship or refuse to enter into relationship?!  NO WAY!

As I sat back today, thinking about all these things, looking at situations around me that 'withdraw' from my desire to enter into relationships, all I hear is God saying "Yes, it's ALWAYS worth it."  Though the things of this world take away from the life-bringing relationships God intends us to have, the amazing thing is that God is a relationship-building God.  When we yield our lives to Him, He brings unity.  He brings healing to those broken situations.  He brings joy in the morning.  He brings peace.  He brings hope.  He brings life.  He brings testimonies that could only be birthed in a place of pain.  He makes all the 'not worth its" worth it.  Because He died for each and every one of us.  So, if we are striving to live in the love that He demonstrated, then we too will see that every life is worth loving as Jesus loves.  That's the cry of my heart.  That despite the 'not worth its' that I've encountered, that I would still choose to say "It's worth it because God is doing something bigger than I can see.  It's worth it because without encountering the friends, future husband, and others that I'll be in relationship with, my life would be different because they bring something into the story of my life that is unique to them...it's something amazing and valuable.  It's worth it because I have the honour of loving deeply, and despite the earthly pain that risk takes, in heaven, that'll be worth it when we relate side by side in the unhindered presence of Jesus...where all sin and schemes of the enemy are destroyed and there is only unity in Christ.  That's worth it."

Cycle of Insecurity

If we're honest, we all struggle with insecurities of one kind or another.  I know I do.

I just started reading a book called "Messy Beautiful Friendship" by Christine Hoover and in the 10 chapters I've read so far, I've learned SO much about the impact insecurity has on friendships, that I felt I wanted to share it with anyone who may stumble across this blog.  Friendship has never come easily for me, and God has been tugging on my heart to open up, be vulnerable, and to allow the things I've learned and walked through to be stepping stones for others to catapult off of; to bring beauty from the ashes of the experiences I've gone through.

So, back to insecurity.  

Think about an insecurity you may have that is evident in how you think of, or relate to, others.  Maybe it's that you think others think you're too quiet, or maybe on the opposite end and too talkative.  Maybe you question if others want to include you or not.  Maybe you're afraid that if you allow someone to get too close that you will be rejected, or maybe past hurts have made you fearful of experiencing that pain again.  Or maybe, they are external insecurities, where you compare yourself to someone else, and think that they have it all together, so you're insecure about where you are at in your life.  There are a million different things that your insecurity could be.  Even as I write these, and see some of my own insecurities in this list, they look so small and trivial, and I wonder why I feel the way I do, but the reality is that these insecurities are VERY real, and they hinder the way we interact with others.

As I've been reading, I've been seeing how insecurity is the thread that contributes to the demise of friendships.  

Take that insecurity you've identified.  Think about how it causes you to interact with others.  It might cause you to pull away, or it might cause you to intensify in your reaction to something.  That's just the start of the cycle.

To use a condensed version of the example of this found in chapter 6 of Christine's book, I'm going to explain how this cycle causes distance, damage, and hurt in the relationships we care deeply about.  

In chapter 6, Christine, and her friend, describe what they went through that led to their friendship dissolving, but they also describe how they both came to a place of recognizing what was happening, and allowed God and His grace to restore their friendship.

Basically, both Christine (C) and her friend (A) had different insecurities, that shaped how they saw themselves, and how they saw each other.  C pulled away as a result of her insecurity, and A was left in confusion, so she responded by pursuing the friendship to gain understanding of what was going on.  That caused C to pull away further, which created more hurt for A, which began to create new insecurities for her and intensify insecurities that may have already existed.  This then caused C to become wounded and hurt by the response of A.

You can see how the initial insecurity led to a cycle where more insecurities began to take root, creating more division, and more hurt.  As Christine says:

"We both saw our differences so clearly rather than building our friendship on our commonalities.  If we were to sift our relationship in order to account for the threatening thoughts that poured water on the fire of our friendship, they would be comparison, envy, discontentment, worry, and insecurity.  The way I thought about her came out in my actions towards her, and none of it was good.

Ashes of our own making.

Even though it's difficult and embarrassing for both of us, it's important to tell our story, because ours is a snippet of what happens all too often among Christian women.  We allow broken friendships to drift us apart rather than doing the work of restorative sanctification.  Thoughts are allowed to run wild rather than taken captive.  Differences are seen as insurmountable obstacles.  Wounds are nursed rather than forgiven.  And in all of it, we don't want to acknowledge how we're playing a part in hurting our friendships.  We desire the ideal, not the real.  We don't like complicated; we like easy. We like it when people like us, are like us, and don't rub up against us like sandpaper, smoothing our rough edges." (Page 63)

 God created us for relationship.  When we are part of a community, we are going to come face to face with our differences, and our insecurities.  When our insecurities are not addressed, they become thoughts that run rampant.  We find ourselves questioning everything.  If left unchecked, those insecurities can, and will, cause us to become uncomfortable even talking to, or being around, the very people we've called our friends.  They will end a friendship.

BUT, how amazing is it to think of how God's grace and mercy is greater than insecurity and broken relationships?!  As Christine describes in her book, when we relate to others according to the truth of God's word, we begin to see differently.  We no longer see the differences, but we instead see the commonalities.  We begin to see how we can bless, serve, and learn from one another.  We no longer see the friendship for what we can get, but rather for what we can give.

When I read about Christine and her friend, I was filled with hope.  Hope because I could tangibly see the way God restored their friendship as a result of choosing to see differently.  Hope because I know the same God who did that for them is alive and desires for all His daughters (and sons), to walk in unity.  Hope, because when God puts a community in front of us, if we are willing to unravel the cycle of insecurity and live in openness and vulnerability, there is freedom.

In our fallen world, we will always struggle with insecurities that rise up, but I'm learning that we have a choice in how we view them.  They can either tear us apart, or draw us together.  My heart is that we would choose to allow them to draw us together, so that as sisters and as friends, we can freely live out the purpose God planned out when He crossed our paths with the friends in our lives.  So that we can live, love, laugh, and encourage one another in the Lord as we live out the lives God set before each one of us.

Break the Cycle - In Memory of a Friend

Warning:  This post will not be an easy post to read, but I believe it must be written, read, and shared.

About a year and a half ago now, one of my sister's closest childhood friends committed suicide.

Even writing those words...word's I've tried not to think or speak...bring tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart.

A young, twenty-something girl gone in an instant.  Her entire life ahead of her.  Gone.  Because of hopelessness.

So many times since that day I wondered if there was anything I could've done to change the outcome of her life.  Obviously I know everyone has their own choices to make.  I don't have the ability to 'play God,' and nobody is responsible for another's actions.  BUT, could I have lived my life differently in the way I interacted with her?  Could I have somehow spoken something, done something, to plant a seed of God's hope and truth within her?  Something that in her desperate hour she would've remembered and turned to God instead of ending her life?

When someone's been in your life, and spent hours upon hours at your house, it's hard not to ask those questions.

Unfortunately, for my sister's friend, there isn't a second chance.  There isn't a way for me to intentionally speak life into her heart.  BUT, for many, many others, I still have that opportunity.

One thing I've been recognizing on a greater scale is our generation's tendency to take people for granted.  I had a conversation a couple weeks ago regarding the talent of a mutual friend...how we didn't realize how talented this other friend was until we stepped back and listened to someone else perform.

That short 2 minute conversation totally changed my perspective on the people in my life.

How often do I take the people in my life for granted?  How often do I expect them to just be there when I need them?  How many times do I notice the familiar things about them and deliberately call them out...speak life into their talents, abilities, and dreams?  How often do I tell them how valued they are to me?

More often, I find myself going day in and day out just 'expecting'.  Having an expectation because I know them so well.  How often do things go unsaid because I expect to talk to them later.  I expect to see them again.

How often do I spend my time focused on my life and the busyness of trying to accomplish everything this society 'expects' me to do?  How often do I focus on my issues, problems, hurts, and fears instead of taking time to recognize the world does not revolve around me?

How often do I stop in the midst of everything around me just to love?  Just to care?  Just to speak life, hope, and the truth of God into the hearts of those around me?

Truthfully, not enough.

See, sometimes I think about the "what ifs."  What if I never had a chance to talk to that family member or friend again?  What if something happened to them?  Would I have taken the time out of my day to show how valuable they are to me?  What if something happened and I got sick and could no longer live my life like I always have?  Or, what if something happened and I died tomorrow?  Would those I love wish they would've taken the time to do the same to me, and show me they value me?

We aren't promised tomorrow.  We aren't even promised the next second or the next breath.  ALL we have is now.

So, why are we holding out?  Why are we letting the things of this life hinder us from truly valuing, loving, and caring for those in our lives?  Why do we get so caught up in the 'expectations'?  Of expecting that we'll have another opportunity.

I didn't have another opportunity with my sister's friend.  I let life and years get in the way.  I'm guilty of everything I just wrote.

But, thanks to God's grace, we can start now.  Now, with this only moment we have for sure.  We can begin to change the way our generation views the people in their lives.  We can begin to be intentional about living a lifestyle where we choose to show the people in our lives that they matter, instead of expecting them to somehow know it.  We can be the ones who begin to call out the gold and beauty in the lives around us.  We can be the ones to shine the love of Jesus everywhere we go.

In memory of my sister's friend, let's choose to break the mould of this generation and stop taking the people in our life for granted.  Because they may not be there tomorrow.

One Last Stand

Over the past few weeks the phrase "one last stand" has been going through my mind over and over again.

I'm not sure why I feel led to write a post on this, but maybe it's for someone who will stumble across my blog, maybe it's a step of faith for the situations in my life, or maybe it's both.

A few years ago I heard a message about the enemy's one last stand.  It was from Mark 9, about when Jesus healed a demon possessed boy.

For those who don't know the story, a man brought his demon possessed son to Jesus' disciples to drive the demon out.  The demons would throw the boy to the ground, cause him to foam at the mouth, and gnash his teeth.  It would be a horrific sight and experience.

Jesus stepped into the chaos of the situation, and when the demon saw Jesus it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion, rolling on the ground and foaming at the mouth.

Read Mark 9:14-29 for the entire story.

What has been rolling around in my head over the past few weeks is the fact that when the demon saw Jesus, it knew exactly who Jesus is and that Jesus has the power and authority to drive it out.  So, to cause one last distraction, one last scene, one last bit of chaos, it threw the boy into a convulsion.

If you read on in the story, Jesus commanded the the demon to come out of the boy, and with the final bout of convulsions, it came out.

Sometimes I've wondered why after praying, and praying, and praying some more.  And after tears, and more praying, why do some situations appear to be worse than before?

Why, when praying for friends and family members who are far from God, does it seem like my prayers only make the situation worse?

Could it be that as I/we pray the enemy is getting scared because he knows exactly who Jesus is and knows that when Jesus enters the situation he must leave?  I believe this is true.

The more we pray and intercede, the harder satan is going to try to pull those we are praying for away.  BUT, that does not mean that we stop praying.  Instead, it means we just have to continue praying and interceding.  Because Jesus already has the victory, as we intercede on behalf of those we love, He is working.  And, the craziest thing I've been realizing lately is the reality that even in the midst of when satan is trying his hardest to keep people living in sin, his plan ultimately will backfire in his face.  Though he is working overtime, the truth of Jesus and the light of His word will expose the darkness.  And, when breakthrough comes, the very areas satan tried to destroy someone in becomes an increased testimony to people they would have never been able to reach in the same way before.

I hope that makes sense.

So, when discouragement comes and you feel like things are just getting worse, have hope.  Jesus IS working.  The enemy is terrified out of his mind.  He knows who Jesus is.  He knows EXACTLY who Jesus is.  Jesus already beat sin, death, and hell.

I'm going to keep on praying.  Keep on believing that what I see right now is one last stand.  I'm trusting God for breakthrough.  And I can't wait to hear the testimony of God's faithfulness and goodness!  And I know one day I'll hear the words from their lips "It (every prayer) was worth it."  Amen.

Embrace Today

The past couple weeks have left me in a somber mood as I realize that due to the quick passing of time, April is here once again and I'm reminded of the tragic events that occurred last year in the lives  of too many people I know.

I'm reminded once again of how short life is, and how important it is to embrace today.

I'm reminded to not live paralyzed with fear, or to be hesitant in situations that you want resolved.  Rather, I've become passionate about living in the freedom of Christ, and in desiring that for those around me.  I've become convinced that we truly should not put off something we could do today for another day.

See, life is too short, too fragile to take for granted.  The relationships in our lives are too important to sit back and watch them crumble around us.  People are too valuable to not show them appreciation and love.  Because, one day you just may turn around and they'll be gone.

So, embrace today.  Tell those you love how valued they are.  Do something special for someone you've unintentionally taken advantage of.  Go out of your way to impart hope to someone discouraged.  Hug your family and friends a little tighter.  But don't just do it today.  Make it your lifestyle.  Because the only guarantee we have is the moment we are living in.  So, make it count!  Don't let this moment pass you by!

Revealing Truth, Exposing Lies

Every year as the new year approaches, I ask the Lord for a word or theme to bring into the next year.  The theme God has given me for 2016 is different than prior years in that He took what He was teaching me through a difficult season of life and shaped it into five words for me to believe for this year:  Revealing truth and exposing lies.

I'm beginning to see that this isn't a word that is solely for me, but rather it is His heart for His people.

The end of 2015 left me with an identity crisis.  I knew who God created me to be, but I lost all ability to function in who I am.  I second guessed absolutely everything I did in how I related to others.  I shut down, I quit communicating, I avoided situations I once felt comfortable in.  I felt like being who God designed me to be wasn't 'good enough'.  I felt like an annoyance and a burden to those around me.  I was trapped because I knew what God has called me to do and who He wants me to be, but I couldn't shake the thoughts plaguing me that told me that it just wasn't enough.  Lies.

This struggle isn't unique to me.  God has opened my eyes recently to see that this struggle is plaguing so many.  It's a tactic of the enemy to undermine our ability to walk freely in the plan of Christ for our lives.  The approach he uses may be different, but the method is the same...attack their identity...attack their thoughts...so that they no longer have the confidence to rise high as the Sons and Daughters of God Almighty that they are.  This is a massive problem that must be addressed, and it's why I feel that God is calling us, His body, to be intentional about seeking the Lord to reveal truth and expose lies.

As I've walked through this journey over the past while, God has been so faithful to teach me more about who He is.  I've learned how important it is to continually keep my eyes on Jesus and when waves of thoughts begin to take me in a downward spiral of negativity, there is incredible power in choosing to worship Him instead.  He's been faithful to constantly remind me to choose love and forgiveness, despite not knowing what or who the source of the pain was.  He's encouraged me in the moments where I have felt so frustrated in how long the healing process of this journey is, and He's reminded me that in the baby steps, He is building a solid foundation that can't be shaken the same when the enemy tries the same tactic in my life again.

Just as the Lord has been faithful to reveal to me the uniqueness of who I am and how He designed and created me exactly the way He wanted me to be...perfectly because He can only create perfectly, He is faithful to us all.  Not one is forgotten.

The enemy would try to take us off course by seeking to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), and he does so by lying to us.  However, Jesus came to give us abundantly full life and that directly combats the enemy as He speaks and reveals His truth to us.  The truth about how He loves us and created us.  The truth about how we are created in His image.  The truth that we are His sons and daughters.  And ultimately, the truth that He has already won the victory and all glory belongs to Him!

And, here's a secret God has shared with me in the process (one that puts a massive smile on my face and quenches my desire for revenge): By attacking us with lies, the enemy thinks he's winning, HOWEVER, as we counter his tactics with the truth of Christ, his plan actually backfires on him because as we walk in Truth testimony is written.  And testimony touches even more lives for the Kingdom of God than if we hadn't gone through the fire!  How awesome is that!!!  So, the next time the enemy tries to throw a lie at you, laugh in his face as you fix your eyes upon Jesus and know that by choosing truth, God is writing a testimony upon your life that will impact others around you for the rest of your life!  

Finally, to close, I'll leave you with a scene description from The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay Part 2 as it is a clear picture of what I just shared: *Spoiler alert for those who have not watched it

Background: Peeta had been tortured in the Capital and as a result his mind had been programmed to believe things about Katniss that were not true.  Fast forward to when he arrives to be part of Katniss's army unit.

So, Peeta shows up and all he wants to do is kill Katniss, because that's what's been programmed into his mind as he believes she is responsible for so many terrible things that have happened.  But, as Katniss chooses to take night watch, Peeta begins to open up.  He tells her how there are so many things in his mind that aren't clear and he doesn't know what is real or not.  He begins to ask her a series of questions and after each one he asks "True or not true?"  To which Katniss responds.  As Peeta begins to have a clearer understanding of what is true of Katniss, and also of him, the bitterness, anger, and hatred he has for her dissolves with each truth that is exposed.  Ultimately the barrier is completely broken down and there is a mutual trust that bonds them once again.

As I thought about this when I woke up this morning, I thought how that is such an incredible picture of the power of truth.  See, when we are living in a haze of lies, it's hard in our own strength to distinguish between what is real and what isn't.  We need to be like Peeta and be willing to admit we are in a haze and ask God to reveal to us who we are, who He is, and who the people around us are.  We need to be vulnerable.  As we are, and as God shows us the truth piece by piece, the barriers holding us back from being fully alive in Christ begin to break down and we will be free to boldly live out the life He purposed for us.  There will also be freedom in relationships with others because we will see them for who God created them to be...no more lies.  Just truth.  And that terrifies the enemy because we are an army for Christ.  So, stand firm and keep your eyes upon Jesus!