Where Past and Present Collide

One year ago this week I said goodbye...

Goodbye to everything I had known for 9 years.  I said goodbye to my friends.  I said goodbye to my church.  I said goodbye to my coworkers.  I said goodbye to my city.  I said goodbye to my province.  Goodbye.

It's hard to imagine that a year has already gone by.  In a sense it feels like it was just yesterday...the memories and emotions are all so raw still, yet it also feels like a lifetime ago because so much has changed in me.

I miss Kamloops so much.  A part of me always will.

As tough as the past year and a half has been (including moving preparations, etc) I know God has used it to change me and shape me.  He has used it to mold me.  There are still what if's running around in my head about what would have happened if I stayed, but as I know from previous moves those will be there no matter what.  Yet despite all the questions I still have I know I'm right in the middle of God's will for my life.  I may still want to go back, but God has me here for a reason.  A reason still to be seen.

Thinking about 'moving week' last year brought the song "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real back into my mind.  It was my theme song last year. 

"Whatever You're doing inside of me it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.  Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, I'm giving into something heavenly...Whatever You're doing inside of me it feels like chaos but I believe You're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly." 

Moving was chaotic.  It was hard.  Yet in the midst of it I know God has a plan.  It doesn't mean I have to forget BC and all the memories I had there.  It doesn't mean I should forget the friends I have there and keep my distance from them.  No way!  It means that chapter of my life has ended and a new one has begun.  It means that I treasure the moments God gave me in Kamloops because they were used to shape me into who I was last year.  And the new memories and new friends I'm making here are shaping me now.  It's a place where the past and present collide...to fulfull God's plan for my life!

This has been something that has been on my heart for a few months now, ever since someone I know told me they weren't exactly going to stay in touch with me just because they had moved away...  Ever since the day I got that message in May I've been reminding myself over and over again that I will never, ever treat anyone that way.  I am blessed to have known all the people I have known, and while I may not continue to be close friends with everyone I've ever known, they will always hold a very special place in my heart...for God brought them into my life for a purpose, and I am so very grateful for those purposes!

Here...There...

Is it normal to have waves of sadness over moving when it's already been 10 months? 

May and June have been unusually difficult for me.  It all started at the beginning of May when out of the blue I got extremely homesick for BC...  It still comes and goes, but I feel homesick more than I don't right now... 

I know God wants me here, yet I miss my 'other home' so much.  One of my closest friends in Kamloops had her first baby on Tuesday.  An adorable little boy!  I wish with all my heart that I could be there to meet little Nathaniel!  Yet, it appears I won't get to meet him at all this year...and maybe not even next year.  That thought fills me with sadness...  Time is going by, fast, and each day that passes is one day further from when I saw the people I care about. 

I wouldn't trade the months of joy I've had here, nor trade the time I've spent meeting the incredible people here, but all those months can't ever take away from the fact that I spent 9 years in BC.  9 years in the same city.  And in those 9 years I met people that I love dearly!  Being here can't take that away from me, but I feel that as time goes on and distance creeps in that our lives are going to change so much...too much.

I wish I could be in two places at once.  Here with the people I've met but also there with the people I love.  Here with the people that accept me and there with those who have watched me grow up. 

When I was there I wanted what I have now, but now that I'm here I want what I had there.  It's the never ending cycle of 'the grass is greener on the other side'...

I'm just rambling on now. 

Will life always be this way?  Being in one place but wishing for another?  Being tired of getting out of my comfort zone to meet new people and make new friend so I wish for being in my comfort zone with my old friends?  Seeing people walk in and out of my life faster than I can keep up with?  Watching friends lives blossom with marriage and children while feeling like I'm stuck in a rut? 

Ahhh...I don't know anymore.  This rambling isn't making sense!  Haha!  All I know is I'm feeling homesick once again...and I really, I mean REALLY miss my Kamloops friends!  All of them...but today especially Adam and Rachelle...and the chance to meet baby Nathaniel...while he is still tiny!

Flooding...

I was planning on writing a post about everything that I've been up to over these past 2 months...

But my household was met with a little 'excitement' this afternoon.

Last night my dad and I put lino in our basement bathroom.  Today the plan was to put the door on and begin putting the sink, toilet, and shower in.  Then it would be completely finished...

Well...my dad was putting the door on and needed to get something for it so he went out.  I was making lunch.  In the meantime my mom and two sisters came home...good thing they did because when my dad got home he noticed the sewer hole for the toilet was backing up into our bathroom...

That was the beginning of our problems.  Long story short, the entire bathroom flooded (time will tell how badly it damaged our work from last night...) as well as many other spots in the basement.  We've spent a good couple hours moving everything away from the flooded areas.

And to think...I thought it was bad this morning when our backyard corner was flooding.  I'd rather have that then a flooded basement!  My dad thinks he figured out the problem so hopefully this will be the end of the flooding...

Someday...

On the weekend some of my family and I went to visit a family from our church that lives outside of the city.  I had only driven through that area twice before, but both times I found myself wishing and hoping that someday I'll live there.  This time was no different...except I had an even greater desire to live out there someday.

The area is the Qu'Appelle Valley.  It is one of the few places in SK that is hilly...it reminds me a lot of Kamloops.  And someday I'm going to live there.  The yards are larger.  (The majority of yards in the city are tiny compared to what I had in BC!)  The land is hilly.  It is beautiful!  And the best part is that although it is a small town (not what I'm used to) it is only 15 minutes outside of the city!!  I can handle that! 

Ever since driving through the valley on Sunday I've found myself dreaming of the future...a future in the valley.  A future where I'll have a large yard with a big garden.  AND GUESS WHAT!!!??  I discovered this past weekend that we can grow fruit here in SK!!!!!!!! 

Not just raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, and saskatoon berries.  No!  In Kamloops I said I was going to have an orchard someday!  And I still can...but in SK!  I can grow cherries, grapes, apples, plums, peaches, pears, apricots, and arctic kiwi!!  I am so excited!! 

AND, until I have my own home with my own orchard, I will enjoy the fresh fruit from a local orchard...one I just found out about moments ago!  Mmmm...my mouth is watering!  Haha!! 

Someday I'll have my dream come true.  I may not be in BC like I imagined just over a year ago, but I'm where God has me...and it's just like God to show me that by being where He has me I will be blessed...blessed to live out my dream! 

Feeling Slightly Homesick

It's been months since I have allowed the word "homesick" to even enter my mind.  After going back to Kamloops in January my current city felt like "home."  I have an amazing church.  My extended family lives close by.  I have met so many amazing people.  Each of these things made here feel like home.

But today for the first time since my trip in January I have felt "homesick."  Literally to the point where tears fill my eyes at the thought of it. 

I went to a store with my dad this evening and while I was there I browsed through the garden center...the following is what I wrote when I got home:

Sometimes there are things that come across my path that make me homesick. I begin to wonder if I truly did make the right decision. I miss the mountains. I miss the beautiful weather. I miss the fruit trees and grape vines. I miss having a large yard. I miss looking out our front window and being in awe of the beauty that surrounded me. I miss walking to work while hearing the birds chirp. I miss it being so hot that I could barely breathe. I miss seeing familiar faces. I miss knowing the people around me. I miss our neighbours. I miss Kamloops.

At the store I saw a grapevine.  In Kamloops we had a beautiful grape vine that was beginning to take over our deck railing.  I also saw a budding apple tree...I didn't even need to look at the type of fruit it was because I immediately could tell it was an apple blossom...  It also did not help that when we left the store I looked across the parking lot and saw what appeared to be mountain tops...they were the right colour, and shape...but they were rows of rooftops instead.  It's in moments like tonight that I am reminded of my life back in BC.  It's when I feel a loss for words at what I can't experience anymore.  I know there's a reason why I'm here...why I'm staying and not leaving again...but sometimes it's hard to see the bigger picture.

I have to remind myself that I can only see what is here and now.  I can only see what is before me in this moment.  I can't see down the road...I can't even see into tomorrow...but God can.  It's like a puzzle.  I can only see one or two pieces of the puzzle of my life.  I don't know where they go into the bigger picture, but as each piece begins to fit into place I can slowly see why the pieces were the way they are. 

It's comforting to know that even when I am facing moments where I do miss what was, that God has a greater plan for the present.  What was is a memory that I'll always cherish.  It's a memory I'll take with me throughout my life, but I'm making new memories now and someday I'll realize how the both the past and present fit into my future. 

Ready For Spring...

Can you tell I've been so bored lately!?  I've been writing on this blog a lot over the past couple days...and in the moments when I haven't, I've been thinking about things to write about...how sad is that! 

Until recently I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that winter is such a depressing season for so many.  I know it has to do with the amount of sunlight, and vitamin D levels...but even then I couldn't understand how it could be "THAT" bad...well, until I moved to SK and have been experiencing winter for what seems like FOREVER!!

I am more than ready for spring.  Spring is my favourite time of the year.  I love hearing the birds sing outside my window.  I get all excited when the flowers begin to surface.  And in BC, I would marvel at the beauty of the blossoms on all the beautiful fruit trees.  I don't know how I am going to survive not seeing those blossoms this year...

Over the past few weeks the weather has been 'taunting' us here in SK...we will have 2-3 days of warm weather (warm being anywhere between -3 to +3) and then it turns brutally cold (meaning -30 or so...).  CAN SPRING PLEASE JUST BE HERE ALREADY!!!!!!!  I don't want to see the white any longer!  In some places the piles of snow are almost as tall as me...100% different from where I lived in BC.  Snow would come for a day or two...maybe a week...and then it would all melt...and the snow really wasn't that deep at all...

I was doing alright with living here...but over the past week I've been really missing BC.  I've been missing my city, my home, my life there, my friends...  For awhile I was okay...but really nothing can ever replace it.  In life you can never have the 'best of both worlds' like I often wish I could have.  If I live in BC I'm so far from my wonde

rful extended family, but if I am here in SK I am so far away from the mountains, the early spring, friends who have known me the longest of anyone outside my family...

I think it's just me missing the spring and feeling the winter blues that has made me feel down about missing BC...and I think that is what has also contributed to my brain turning to mush and being random all the time (much to the expense of my blog posts...).  I've been trying to pretend that spring is on it's way (though it really isn't yet) by planting a few plants inside, and by having pictures of flowers and fruit blossoms everywhere I look...

Beginning to PAINT!!

This may sound childish, but I am SO excited to paint!!!

When we moved into our new house absolutely EVERYTHING was white.  I guess the previous owner followed the 'rule' of selling a house and painted it all white.  No body in my family really appreciated that because we love colour.  None of the walls in our old house was white.  We each had our own room colour, and the rest of the house was kind of a tan colour with accent walls in the living room.

I finally convinced my parents that we need to start painting, so starting as soon as I publish this post I am prepping the upstairs bathroom so I can paint as soon as possible!!  It'll be so nice to add some colour to our house!

I'll try to remember to take some before and after pictures...I know there are a few people from BC who have been wanting to 'see' our house...maybe this will finally be when you get to see it! 

THIS Is Home

I just recently got back from spending a week with my youngest sister Stacie in our old city.  I was really nervous to go back because I had a great fear that if I went back to visit, all the progress I have made in adjusting to my new city would be reversed again.  I was so nervous in fact that I didn't even want to go, but if I didn't go, Stacie couldn't go, so I went.  I know that when I was her age and had moved from AB to BC I would have loved to have an older sister who would go with me back "home" to visit.  So, I tried to be that big sister to Stacie. 

We took the bus to BC, and when we started getting closer to Kamloops, I started to recognize the place I used to call home.  The place I lived for 9 years.  I really didn't expect to feel what I felt though.  Sure, everything was familiar, but I felt no sense of "home".  I honestly don't know how to describe it.  It was like my head was there but my heart wasn't.  It was the weirdest feeling!  There I was totally expecting to never want to leave, but I was in fact feeling the exact opposite.  A visit was great, but I didn't want to stay for longer than that. 
Finally, the thing that hit me the hardest...even more so than not feeling at home...was the reality that hit me when I met up with some of the people there.  I went to one of my friends for dinner one night, and a bunch of others came over as well.  I knew them all, except for one, but other than my one friend Rachelle, I either didn't know them well, or hadn't seen them in close to a year and had been out of touch.  It was great to see them, don't get me wrong, it's just that a familiar feeling came over me when I was with them.  A feeling that took me off guard. 

As I was sitting in the living room I felt very nervous and awkward.  I am a quiet person by nature, but I constantly felt like I had to say something and that if I didn't I would be either rejected or looked down upon.  As I sat there feeling this, something hit me.  Pretty much most of my time in Kamloops I had felt that.  I really only had maybe 3 close friends throughout the duration of the time I lived there who I didn't feel that around.  The thing is that all of a sudden I realized something.  In the entire 5 months I have lived in SK, I have never, ever felt that! 

My trip to Kamloops really opened my eyes to the fact that I am exactly where God wants me.  Everything from not feeling at home, to the knowledge that I feel so comfortable around the people here showed me that.  In Kamloops, I really didn't ever feel the acceptance that I have felt here in 5 months.  The people here are so open and welcoming.  When I got here they opened up their lives to me, and have made me feel at home.  I am grateful for my time in Kamloops, for the people I met, and the experiences I went through.  Yet, when it all comes down to it, that season of my life is over.  I am exactly where God wants me to be.  And it feels great!

Yesterday I shared a the song "Home" by Natalie Grant.  I heard it for the first time on my way home and it really spoke to everything I was feeling about my trip to Kamloops.  For so long I was that "pretty princess with a broken crown."  I felt alone...even in the midst of a crowd.  But like the chorus says "[I] need to know [I'm] home."  The things that once made me cry now bring me joy and laughter!  I am HOME!  "The pain is undone, and [I'm] finally belonging."  I am so thankful God brought me here and that it feels so right!

THIS is home!