Lord, Use Me

I only have one more month left at my job.  I can't believe how fast the time has flown by!  I am very excited for the new chapter I'll be starting in the fall, but I am starting to be sad about leaving all the wonderful people I work with.

All the thoughts and emotions running through me right now have brought some thoughts and desires to the forefront of my mind.  

Throughout my life I've always desired for God to use me as a missionary in my workplace.  My current job is no exception.  More than anything I want the people I work with to know Jesus.  It's always hard to leave a job because I know the work there isn't done...but I trust God will bring others with the same desire I have to see the harvest in all my former co-workers lives.

In every job I've had I've seen lives be changed when coworkers come into contact with the Holy Spirit shining through me.  People have asked questions.  Others have apologized for swearing around me and have told me that "I can't swear around you."  God's light has shone as I've been willing to be used by Him, and the darkness is exposed.  

Tonight I was thinking about how these people in my workplaces have been affected by God's light and how they are drawn to it.  The past couple weeks have been full of people asking when I'm done because they're going to miss me.  I feel honoured, yet humbled at the same time.  I'm just 'little old me' being used by my Great Big God!  

All throughout the Bible God uses unlikely people to do great things for him.  He used Moses, who had troubles speaking, to bring an entire nation out of captivity.  He used Gideon, the smallest in his family, to defeat an army.  He used David, someone who had been overlooked by his family, to defeat a giant.  He used the least likely to do amazing things.  I am overwhelmed that God has chosen me to shine His light in the darkness, so that I can plant, water, and harvest the seeds of His love.  

I am sad to leave my workplace in one month.  But I still have one month.  One month to make a difference.  In this last month, my prayer is that God will open up the doors wider than ever before...that I will see a difference around me.  

As a song from my favourite childhood movie "God's Zoo" by the Gaithers says "I know You have a purpose, I'm waiting patiently.  Next time You have a job to do, could you choose to use me?"

Lord, use me.

Where Past and Present Collide

One year ago this week I said goodbye...

Goodbye to everything I had known for 9 years.  I said goodbye to my friends.  I said goodbye to my church.  I said goodbye to my coworkers.  I said goodbye to my city.  I said goodbye to my province.  Goodbye.

It's hard to imagine that a year has already gone by.  In a sense it feels like it was just yesterday...the memories and emotions are all so raw still, yet it also feels like a lifetime ago because so much has changed in me.

I miss Kamloops so much.  A part of me always will.

As tough as the past year and a half has been (including moving preparations, etc) I know God has used it to change me and shape me.  He has used it to mold me.  There are still what if's running around in my head about what would have happened if I stayed, but as I know from previous moves those will be there no matter what.  Yet despite all the questions I still have I know I'm right in the middle of God's will for my life.  I may still want to go back, but God has me here for a reason.  A reason still to be seen.

Thinking about 'moving week' last year brought the song "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real back into my mind.  It was my theme song last year. 

"Whatever You're doing inside of me it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.  Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, I'm giving into something heavenly...Whatever You're doing inside of me it feels like chaos but I believe You're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly." 

Moving was chaotic.  It was hard.  Yet in the midst of it I know God has a plan.  It doesn't mean I have to forget BC and all the memories I had there.  It doesn't mean I should forget the friends I have there and keep my distance from them.  No way!  It means that chapter of my life has ended and a new one has begun.  It means that I treasure the moments God gave me in Kamloops because they were used to shape me into who I was last year.  And the new memories and new friends I'm making here are shaping me now.  It's a place where the past and present collide...to fulfull God's plan for my life!

This has been something that has been on my heart for a few months now, ever since someone I know told me they weren't exactly going to stay in touch with me just because they had moved away...  Ever since the day I got that message in May I've been reminding myself over and over again that I will never, ever treat anyone that way.  I am blessed to have known all the people I have known, and while I may not continue to be close friends with everyone I've ever known, they will always hold a very special place in my heart...for God brought them into my life for a purpose, and I am so very grateful for those purposes!

Feeling Slightly Homesick

It's been months since I have allowed the word "homesick" to even enter my mind.  After going back to Kamloops in January my current city felt like "home."  I have an amazing church.  My extended family lives close by.  I have met so many amazing people.  Each of these things made here feel like home.

But today for the first time since my trip in January I have felt "homesick."  Literally to the point where tears fill my eyes at the thought of it. 

I went to a store with my dad this evening and while I was there I browsed through the garden center...the following is what I wrote when I got home:

Sometimes there are things that come across my path that make me homesick. I begin to wonder if I truly did make the right decision. I miss the mountains. I miss the beautiful weather. I miss the fruit trees and grape vines. I miss having a large yard. I miss looking out our front window and being in awe of the beauty that surrounded me. I miss walking to work while hearing the birds chirp. I miss it being so hot that I could barely breathe. I miss seeing familiar faces. I miss knowing the people around me. I miss our neighbours. I miss Kamloops.

At the store I saw a grapevine.  In Kamloops we had a beautiful grape vine that was beginning to take over our deck railing.  I also saw a budding apple tree...I didn't even need to look at the type of fruit it was because I immediately could tell it was an apple blossom...  It also did not help that when we left the store I looked across the parking lot and saw what appeared to be mountain tops...they were the right colour, and shape...but they were rows of rooftops instead.  It's in moments like tonight that I am reminded of my life back in BC.  It's when I feel a loss for words at what I can't experience anymore.  I know there's a reason why I'm here...why I'm staying and not leaving again...but sometimes it's hard to see the bigger picture.

I have to remind myself that I can only see what is here and now.  I can only see what is before me in this moment.  I can't see down the road...I can't even see into tomorrow...but God can.  It's like a puzzle.  I can only see one or two pieces of the puzzle of my life.  I don't know where they go into the bigger picture, but as each piece begins to fit into place I can slowly see why the pieces were the way they are. 

It's comforting to know that even when I am facing moments where I do miss what was, that God has a greater plan for the present.  What was is a memory that I'll always cherish.  It's a memory I'll take with me throughout my life, but I'm making new memories now and someday I'll realize how the both the past and present fit into my future. 

This and That

Exhaustion is beginning to set in.  It's been a long school/life/work marathon I've been running recently.  I'm starting to look forward to taking a break from school and going out into the "real world" for a year.  Yes...a year. 

After a lot of prayer, tears, and believing that God would help me decide what to do about schooling I have made a decision to stay here.  I can't get into school for this fall...so I'll be working for a year before I get into nursing.  It's another big change that has come my way, but I'm excited about this "new" journey God is taking me on. 

It was hard to decide between going back to BC or staying here but when it came down to it I feel right about the decision I made.  This is home now.  For the first time in 9 years I don't have anything inside that is tearing me apart because I want to be there instead of here.  For the first time in 9 years I feel 100% content. 

So staying it is. 

Coming to this decision has only added to the marathon I've been running...one that's almost over...for now! 

I had an amazing Easter weekend which helped take my mind off of the stress of school!  But now it's back to the grind of things!  I had my first final today...two more to go along with 4 more assignments... :( 

Well, time to quit blogging for now...I'm calling it an early bedtime tonight so I can get back to being fully awake so I can finish my assignments tomorrow!

Stream of Consciousness

There has been a lot that's been going on in my life lately!  If I think I'm busy now, I can't imagine how busy I'm going to be feeling when I start volunteering at the hospital!  I have my orientation on Saturday...and then I should be starting within a week or two! 

I've been working on a very special project for a couple weeks now!  I'll be sure to tell you all about it when it's all finished!  It has to do with my blog and allowing my grandparents who don't have internet to see it!  I'm very excited about how my 'project' is coming along!  It will hopefully be finished in the next week or so! 

After feeling stressed about school for far to long, I have decided that I'm not going to be continuing on with my next semester.  Financially it isn't worth it...I'd rather not worry about finishing my current semester early, and I'd rather save the money I would spend on next semester and put it towards my schooling in the fall!  Coming to this decison has given me huge relief!  I am so behind as it is, and with volunteering I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to my adjusted deadline.  Now I don't have to worry!  I'm so relieved! 

Speaking of school...I sent in my first assignment tonight!  Haha!  That's how behind I am... :(  But, my statistics course is coming along.  I'll hopefully be sending in my next assignment tomorrow...  I'll get this done...I think I can...I think I can...I know I can...  Haha!  I've decided to take the approach of doing one course at a time.  I was trying to juggle them all at once but I found because I was teaching it all to myself I would forget what I'd learn...  This way my mind is only filled with one subject, and when I'm finished each one I'll go on to the next.  I seem to be doing much better this way!  Distance schooling is definitely different from going out to school!   I don't think I'd ever choose to do distance again...

I'm going to wrap this post up... I think an early bedtime is in order tonight!  Have a good night/good day! 

January 15, 2011

Well, the day I've been waiting for has finally arrived.  Today is the deadline for all TRU nursing applications.  I am excited, nervous, anxious, and scared about what is to come next.  Though Kamloops no longer feels like home, I feel like that is where I need to be when I take nursing.  I don't know why, but that's just how I feel.  I wouldn't move there for good...where I am will be "home" but if TRU is where God wants me to be, I will survive the 30 months that I would be there over the next 4 years.  If the past 5 months have been any indication of how fast time flies I will be alright!

So, only time will tell where this next stage of my life will take me.  Will it be TRU or someplace else?  I don't know what to even think, or what to even pray...  All my heart cries is for God's will to be done.  If I'm to be at TRU, I believe God will open that door, and if I'm not I know He will close that door. 

The next few months until I find out will be a waiting game...

All About Me Day 30 - A Dream For The Future...Beyond Next Year

Wow!  Here is the final post in the "All About Me In 30 Days" blog hop!

I can't believe this day has finally come!  Not that I haven't enjoyed it, because I have, I just realized I wasn't very good at writing a post every day.  Sorry!  I'm sure you have all learned a lot about me though!  Some of these topics were tough ones!

I'll end this series by giving you a glimpse of the dream I have for my future.  I have shared bits and pieces before, but this way, like with the previous post, you'll be able to see it all in one spot!

Well, pretty much the top thing on my "future priority list" is to get married and have kids.  I'm still waiting big time on that one!  Come on my future husband!  Seriously though, there are moments when I am content in the season of life I'm in, but there are more times than not when I wonder when God will bring my Prince Charming my way.  I just have to remind myself it is all in His perfect timing, and whenever that timing is, I'll just be glad it was then and not sooner or later.  (At least that what I tell myself!)

Another big dream I have for my future is to be able to stay debt free.  I'm not sure how in the world that will happen, but it's a dream I have for my entire life! 

Educationally, my dream is to eventually graduate as an RN and take further courses to become a certified Neonatal Nurse Practitioner!  I am SO excited about it!  I was watching TLC's Untold Stories of the ER tonight and at the end my heart almost burst because of how the doctors and nurses were able to spare the patient's lives!  I can't wait to have that opportunity!!

As for other dreams beyond next year, I can't really think of any right now.  I know there are some, but I've written the three major ones.  And now it's time for me to stop my blogging spree for the evening and go to bed.

I have written 5 posts tonight!!  Amazing!  But what is even more amazing is that this post is post 100!  Wow! 

So, now that you've gone through this blog hop, I hope that you have been able to see my heart and know a little bit more of who I am. 

I hope you have enjoyed 'getting to know me'!  If you have anything else you want to know, leave a comment.  Who knows, maybe one day I'll write another blog series like this one to answer the questions, or maybe I'll just answer them individually.  Ask away! 

All About Me Day 18 - My Future Wedding

This is post 18 in the "All About Me in 30 Days" blog hop. 

For as long as I can remember I have dreamt about my future wedding.  I have written about it before, but my friends and I would lie awake on sleepovers and verbally dream about our wedding day.  Sometimes I still allow myself to dream of my wedding day...

What will it look like?  How many bridesmaids will I decide to have?  What will the setting be?  Will I get married in a church or outdoors like has become popular lately?  Will I find the wedding dress I always dreamed of?  And the most important question of that day is...who will my groom be?! 

Oh...there are SO many questions about that day, yet so much anticipation in knowing that when my wedding day finally comes so many prayers will be answered.  So many hopes will be realized.  My dreams for my future will start to unfold before my eyes...

So, what do I imagine it to be like?  Good question! 

When I was younger I focused on the appearance of the day.  As I have grown up I have begun to focus more on the "after" aspect of the day instead of the day itself.  Sure I want a nice wedding day where I am wearing a beautiful wedding dress and have fancy hair.  Sure I want the decorations and glamour.  Sure I want all my family, friends, and everyone who has blessed my life to be there.  I have come to the conclusion that I could have that all, but if "after" isn't what I dreamed of, than it wouldn't be worth it. 

I guess what I am trying to say in all my rambling is that my focus has gone from the wedding day itself to the marriage part of the deal.  My focus has turned more towards my future husband.  You see, I could have the beautiful, big wedding I always dreamed of, but the most important thing to me is who my future husband is.  It is what his character is.  It's who he is in Jesus Christ that matters to me. 

As long as I am marrying the 'man of my dreams' on my wedding day, and as long as I am confident that this 'man of my dreams' is who God would have me to marry, I could care less about the visible part of the wedding day. 

I don't know what my wedding will be like.  I don't know when it will be.  But I do know that I am committed myself to a lifetime with the man I marry..."to death do us part."  And I do know that my wedding day will be one of the best days of my life!