Hold My Heart

I've been open.  I've been vulnerable.  I've shared pieces of my heart that are fragile.  Things I've always kept to myself.  But I chose to bring them to light...because I felt I was healing.  I felt that season was over.  Done. Forever.

Yeah...not.  Here I find myself again.  Going through the same thing I've gone through since high school. 

Having people you care dearly about choose to walk away, choose to move on leaving you in the dust hurts more than anything.  I've always looked at it as worse than death...because in death the person didn't choose to leave, but here in life the person did choose to leave.  They decided the relationship wasn't worth it.  Friendship was no longer their desire...

It hurts.  I really don't know what to say other than the fact that this latest blow has me confused. 

I've begun to question if having friends is even worth it.  Is joy of having a friend for 6 months worth the pain that comes when they walk away?  Is caring about someone worth it?  Sometimes I wonder if it really is.  I mean if this pattern is to continue than I don't think it is.  But somehow I'll continue trying.  Continue being a friend.  Continue loving...because if I want to be more like Jesus I need to follow His example and love everyone...even those that hurt me.  Even those who reject me.  Even those who have up and walked out of my life. 

Maybe one day they'll look back on their lives and wish they hadn't walked away as fast as they did.  Who really knows.  All I know in the process there are many people they are hurting. 

But despite the pain, the hurt, the confusion I choose to stand tall.  Somehow I pray God will give me strength to endure the arrows life throws at me.  It may be hard, but I won't give in...I can't...  Jesus please hold my heart...

Recognized Potential

A few years ago I was sitting with my dad in the van and he mentioned that there were a few musicians in our new church who had the potential to go far with their music...

Now fastforward from then to just a couple weeks ago.  I found out one of my good friends from BC is now one of the guitarists for Dan Bremnes, a Christian artist from the interior of BC.  I have heard Dan Bremnes live a couple times last summer and he is gifted in leading people into worship.  AND, in just over a month I am going to be going to camp and Dan Bremnes happens to be leading worship for the weekend...and I REALLY hope my friend is able to come along as well.

Anyway, right now there is a contest going on through Praise 106.5 out of Washington state for a local musician to play in the final concert of History Maker this coming weekend!  Dan Bremnes and his band have made it to the finals and need our help to win this contest!  You may vote once per day for the rest of
this week! 

***NOTE:  Please vote only ONCE per day.  Do NOT use multiple email addresses or Dan Bremnes and his band could be disqualified. 
Here's the voting link.

And here's the link to Dan Bremnes' website.

Thanks for supporting these guys!  I am really excited for this opportunity they have to play in front of thousands, make connections in the music world, and use their gifts to glorify God!  It's neat to look back at the day I listened to my dad mention that my friend had this potential, and bring it full circle to see it being recognized right now!  It's all a matter of God's timing...and I am SO excited for my friend!

Turning Darkness into Light

This past weekend I bought the latest Passion CD "Here For You."  Once again I am impressed with how great the songs on the CD are.  One of them imparticularly really stands out to me:  "Shadows" by David Crowder Band and Lecrae.  I can't even count how many times I've listened to it. 

At Bible Study on Monday night the topic of 'going through hardships/struggles/a winter season' came up.  This song really speaks to that season of life.

Listen to the song and take comfort in knowing that Jesus endured the cross for us...to "bring dark to light."
PS.  Here are the lyrics to the rap.  They are powerful!

With every breath I take, every heart beat
Sunrise and the moon lights in the dark street
Every glance, every dance, every note of a song
All a gift undeserved that I shouldn't have known
Every moment I lie, every moment I covet
I'm deserving to die, I'm earning Your judgement
I, without the cross there's only condemnation
If Jesus wasn't executed there's no celebration
So in times that are good, in times that are bad
For any time I've had it all I will be glad
And I will boast in the cross, I will boast in His name
I will boast in the sunshine, boast in His reign (rain)
What's my life if it's not praising You
Another dollar in my bank account of vain pursuit, I do
That count my life as any value or precious at all
Let me finish my race, let me answer Your call

**Apparently there are technical difficulties right now with trying to embed youtube videos onto my blog, so here's the link to the song.  Hopefully this will work! 

Feeling Slightly Homesick

It's been months since I have allowed the word "homesick" to even enter my mind.  After going back to Kamloops in January my current city felt like "home."  I have an amazing church.  My extended family lives close by.  I have met so many amazing people.  Each of these things made here feel like home.

But today for the first time since my trip in January I have felt "homesick."  Literally to the point where tears fill my eyes at the thought of it. 

I went to a store with my dad this evening and while I was there I browsed through the garden center...the following is what I wrote when I got home:

Sometimes there are things that come across my path that make me homesick. I begin to wonder if I truly did make the right decision. I miss the mountains. I miss the beautiful weather. I miss the fruit trees and grape vines. I miss having a large yard. I miss looking out our front window and being in awe of the beauty that surrounded me. I miss walking to work while hearing the birds chirp. I miss it being so hot that I could barely breathe. I miss seeing familiar faces. I miss knowing the people around me. I miss our neighbours. I miss Kamloops.

At the store I saw a grapevine.  In Kamloops we had a beautiful grape vine that was beginning to take over our deck railing.  I also saw a budding apple tree...I didn't even need to look at the type of fruit it was because I immediately could tell it was an apple blossom...  It also did not help that when we left the store I looked across the parking lot and saw what appeared to be mountain tops...they were the right colour, and shape...but they were rows of rooftops instead.  It's in moments like tonight that I am reminded of my life back in BC.  It's when I feel a loss for words at what I can't experience anymore.  I know there's a reason why I'm here...why I'm staying and not leaving again...but sometimes it's hard to see the bigger picture.

I have to remind myself that I can only see what is here and now.  I can only see what is before me in this moment.  I can't see down the road...I can't even see into tomorrow...but God can.  It's like a puzzle.  I can only see one or two pieces of the puzzle of my life.  I don't know where they go into the bigger picture, but as each piece begins to fit into place I can slowly see why the pieces were the way they are. 

It's comforting to know that even when I am facing moments where I do miss what was, that God has a greater plan for the present.  What was is a memory that I'll always cherish.  It's a memory I'll take with me throughout my life, but I'm making new memories now and someday I'll realize how the both the past and present fit into my future. 

Matcha, Matcha, Matcha!

I love tea!  It's a crazy 'addiction' to have...if I see a new type of tea at the store it usually takes everything in me NOT to buy it! 

It does not help that I have been introduced to an amazing tea store here in the city...my tea stash has doubled since December...and it was already large to begin with! 

A few years ago I worked at a teahouse, and it was while I was working there that my tea obsession began.  It was also while I worked there that I began to hear about the various types of tea that is available these days, and one of those types of teas is a green tea called matcha. 

Matcha is amazing!  I have made matcha cheesecake, matcha cookies, matcha loaf, matcha drinks.  You name it!

On the weekend I went and bought the ingredients to make a matcha type latte because I figure why go out to buy a 5.00 drink when I can make it for much less!  Since I love this drink so much I thought I would share the recipe I have come up with!

Matcha Latte

3/4 to 1 tsp. matcha powder
1 to 2 tsp cane sugar
vanilla to taste
boiling water
milk and or cream

I boil some water and put just a little bit into the bottom of my tea/coffee cup and then I add the matcha powder and stir or whisk it together.  I have tried many ways to mix the matcha into my drinks, and using boiling water has worked the best.  Fill the cup with milk/cream.  Add the cane sugar and vanilla, stir the drink, put it in the microwave to heat it up and enjoy!

This matcha latte is quick and easy to make...and it tastes exactly like the ones I have had at various coffee shops!  Yum!! 

History In The Making

This weekend is evidently one that will go down in history books for those in the future to look back on the significant events that have gone on.

First there was Prince William and Kate's wedding on Friday.  I personally did not watch it live as I woke up early to finish my studies (which are now COMPLETE!!), but I did watch a replay of it this afternoon and it was a beautiful wedding!  I pray that in their marriage they will acknowledge and put God first...just like was prayed over them!

Next is the news that was publically announced just moments ago...Osama Bin Laden is dead!  This definitely is making history even as I type.  The US searched for him for almost 10 years.  Yet as I heard the news of his death I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with the fact of where he is right now...for all of eternity...in hell without God.  What he did was wrong, as I'm sure you would all agree, but what if for a moment his life had been changed?  What would have happened then?  But I guess there's no use in dwelling on what could have been...instead I need to dwell on the now and all those around me who need to hear of the love of Jesus Christ and who need to know that no matter what they have done...whether good or bad...Jesus died a sinner's death for them.  All of them...even Osama!  What makes the difference is the acceptance of what Jesus did, and their desire to live a changed life glorifying Him.

Now, tomorrow marks another day that will go down in history.  And I remind ALL my Canadian readers...VOTE!  Canada needs a stable government.  We don't need promises...empty or not.  We need a government that will lead Canada in a godly manner.  None of the parties are perfect, but as you cast your vote tomorrow...please contemplate which government party will uphold their values and morals.  Which party will stand for integrity.  Which party will stand for righteousness. 

Vote tomorrow and make your say known.  Help in allowing May 2, 2011 to be a day in which history was made! 

This and That

Exhaustion is beginning to set in.  It's been a long school/life/work marathon I've been running recently.  I'm starting to look forward to taking a break from school and going out into the "real world" for a year.  Yes...a year. 

After a lot of prayer, tears, and believing that God would help me decide what to do about schooling I have made a decision to stay here.  I can't get into school for this fall...so I'll be working for a year before I get into nursing.  It's another big change that has come my way, but I'm excited about this "new" journey God is taking me on. 

It was hard to decide between going back to BC or staying here but when it came down to it I feel right about the decision I made.  This is home now.  For the first time in 9 years I don't have anything inside that is tearing me apart because I want to be there instead of here.  For the first time in 9 years I feel 100% content. 

So staying it is. 

Coming to this decision has only added to the marathon I've been running...one that's almost over...for now! 

I had an amazing Easter weekend which helped take my mind off of the stress of school!  But now it's back to the grind of things!  I had my first final today...two more to go along with 4 more assignments... :( 

Well, time to quit blogging for now...I'm calling it an early bedtime tonight so I can get back to being fully awake so I can finish my assignments tomorrow!